truths...

so let me be honest and tell you what i just did.

it's 4 o' clock, i am home alone. after cleaning up my room, i go down stairs....with only one thing on my mind. CHIPS! so i sit down on the sofa and flip on oprah and start munching. i chow down for like 15 minuites straight and when i turn the channel i realize that most of the HUGE bag of chips is gone. so then my mind starts thinking how many calories did i just consume? can i really afford all those fat grams? do i want to be fat? if i am fat what's going to happen.... and so my thinking progresses.....men, do not look kindly on fat women. i have seen that first hand with my cousin. so as i start to feel really uncomfortable....i think. i drink about 2 bottles of water in hopes that i can just wash down the calories i just consumed. how rediculous! that wont work. so as peanut and i head upstairs to read, i get an idea. as i am forcing my toothbrush down my throat, tears roll down my face. am i really this pathetic? do i really value myself that little? i see myself in pictures, and i look do happy, but the mirror doesnt give me that same reflection as i see myself throwing up. where do you think my mind first goes? actually, it bypasses him and goes right for some other random thought. okay, so i was thinking.....i am a huge phony. i am so obsessed with my outward appearence because i know that i don't know what is on the inside. i am so afraid of the world finding out that i am a huge fake, a big phony. i can bull shit my way into or out of anything but i dont have anything to back it up. once i get into something i dont have anymore than the bs. all of the events in my life have lead me to this thinking.....now what?