since the whole illness thing, i have been reflecting on myself a lot. i dont know why, but i just feel like i need to find a bit more meaning to my space on earth. if i am going to inhabit this space, i need to know and do more.

what i have come up with is that i have not really been living out loud. i have more been surviving. it is so crazy how much your childhood sets you up as an adult. in my 7 years as an adult, i have been in denial about how my childhood has effected my life. i have been too strong not letting any of those feelings thru. only what i didnt know, was that they were buldging out of my seams. i just couldn't see it. the most amazing part is that everyone else could. the more i got to know someone the more they would see. sometimes good, sometimes horribly i could try to b.s. my way thru it. it is so upsetting to think you know yourself then to only find out you know your pain, your mask, your cover up. so when do you really get deep enough to see your true authentic self, without the shell, without the back bone, just your raw meat the flesh that makes up your being. how do you get there? and what do you do when you finally do make it there?

i know a few things about me that will never change. the one person i love most in ly life is my mother. i can't explain it but the bond between you and your mother is a strong as steel. although she makes me angry, drives me crazy, or is just kooky, i love her with every ounce of my being. i would fight to keep her safe, give her every dime i had, or even my life. she is not all that amazing, but what she is, is my mother. she is the only person i have shared a body with, only person who i have that deep connection with. i cant explain it. you just know it. another thing that i do know is that it breaks my heart to see people who are less fortunate than myself. i feel as though i have been given a lot and it is very humbling to see someone with nothing. whether is is a homeless family or a disaster survivor, i feel for them. i want to help some how. living in san francisco for so long you see a bunch of homeless people and i always wonder, how did it ever get to that point? didnt they have a mother or a father? not a best friend? not a child, a wife? how did they become homeless and all alone. why would that happen. i tend not to think that they were lazy or a drug addict, but that have a long string of very unfortunate events happen to them and that they really have no safe place to fall. i care about people who cant do for themselves.

xo, l