i cant deal with some conversations.

i am not going to play games. they type of games that someone makes threats and then wants you to talk them down, or out of them. it's bullshit.

truths...

so let me be honest and tell you what i just did.

it's 4 o' clock, i am home alone. after cleaning up my room, i go down stairs....with only one thing on my mind. CHIPS! so i sit down on the sofa and flip on oprah and start munching. i chow down for like 15 minuites straight and when i turn the channel i realize that most of the HUGE bag of chips is gone. so then my mind starts thinking how many calories did i just consume? can i really afford all those fat grams? do i want to be fat? if i am fat what's going to happen.... and so my thinking progresses.....men, do not look kindly on fat women. i have seen that first hand with my cousin. so as i start to feel really uncomfortable....i think. i drink about 2 bottles of water in hopes that i can just wash down the calories i just consumed. how rediculous! that wont work. so as peanut and i head upstairs to read, i get an idea. as i am forcing my toothbrush down my throat, tears roll down my face. am i really this pathetic? do i really value myself that little? i see myself in pictures, and i look do happy, but the mirror doesnt give me that same reflection as i see myself throwing up. where do you think my mind first goes? actually, it bypasses him and goes right for some other random thought. okay, so i was thinking.....i am a huge phony. i am so obsessed with my outward appearence because i know that i don't know what is on the inside. i am so afraid of the world finding out that i am a huge fake, a big phony. i can bull shit my way into or out of anything but i dont have anything to back it up. once i get into something i dont have anymore than the bs. all of the events in my life have lead me to this thinking.....now what?

one more down....

well arby and i broke up. actually, he cheated on my and then dumped me. as if that's not confusing enough...he says he loves me and doesn't want to break up, but he needs to know why he got drunk and kissed some girl. and honestly, i need to know too.

here is the whole scoop: okay it was friday night and he went out with his brother in law. they went to dinner and then met up with a bunch of people. he asked me if i wanted to go but i had to work the next day so i declined. (besides, i hate going out with them! talk about drinking way too much...) so about 10:30 i got into bed to go to sleep. fast asleep, i hear my cell ring about midnight. i answer it and it's arby. he starts saying 'i love you, you're my best friend" and 'you better come pick me up cause this girl wants to fuck me" so i ask where they are, and i go to get him. on my way there i get another call from him saying that 'it would be in my best interest" if i come get him NOW. so i show up at the bar. i see robert ( the brother in law) outside, and i ask him where arby is. his reply is "i don't fucking care". hmmmmm so i proceed to the door and i look inside. i can see him anywhere. the bouncer noticed that i was in my pajamas and asked me if i was there to pick someone up, i said yes. so right about then i noticed that arby was inside with a group of people, and so was robert. he must have walked passed me at the front door. So i start getting my ID out so i can go in and retrieve arby...and i look up to see robert lip locked with a girl. A GIRL THAT WASN'T HIS WIFE! so i try to call arby. no answer. i get my id out again, and arby comes walking out. he was wasted! i told him i was mad that he asked me to come get him when i was sick and he couldn't even understand. i asked him who robert was kissing and he didn't respond to that either. so i told him....'you know that robert was kissing a girl that wasn't your sister?' right? no reply. so we went home and the next morning i woke up and went to work. that night when i got home, he called ma ans asked me if i wanted to go to dinner, so i told him that i was going to get my nails done and that i would be over after. when i got to his house i brought up again how robert was kinning someone other than his wife, gigette. he acted surprised to hear that and he told me that was neither of our business and to keep that to myself. so i dropped it. he said that he was nt going to tell and and i shouldn't either. so that was the end of that. we went to dinner, and while at dinner he told me how much he loved me and how beautiful i was. so we eat and leave. he opened the car door for me, which is RARE! and we head on home. When we get home we go up to my room and lay on the bed...actually we were talking about how close our relationship had gotten over the last few months (we at one point had decided a few months ago that neither of us care much for each other and he knew i had some unresolved "issues" from another relationship, and we broke it off. well we had rockily gotten back together), and how it felt so real and natural. yea, sounds like BS huh? it was! cause seconds later he got a text message. he usually is so open about text's so when he tried to be shady about this one i inquired. he told me that i didn't want to know. and if you know me, you know that there isnt ANYTHING i don't want to know! so i said i needed to know, when he said 'only if you don't get mad'. of course i agreed, with my fingers crossed. he starts telling me that the text was "have you told her yet?". so i asked tell me what? and who is that from? he goes on further to state that the text was from robert and that he had kissed some girl last night and had not remembered. apparently the only way he knew of it was from robert, THE CHEATER HIMSELF! i guess robert had told him that morning after he had gotten home from my house. that is why robert said 'i don't fucking care' the night before when i had asked him where arby was at the bar. he was mad that arby had kissed his friend. I guess the same friend that they tried to hook arby up with a few days before he and i met in april. so he was mad that now right after they had gone to dinner and arby told robert how much he was in love with me, he would kiss her, robyn. i guess that slutty robyn told arby she didn't care that he had a girl friend. and that he told her he loved his girlfriend.....she still wanted him to go home with her. that's why he called me and told me to come pick him up. i cant even imagine him kissing another girl.

so to make a long story short.....it all came out in the wash the next day when arby's parents called up over to talk about what had happened the night before.....it was said that robert cheated on gigette and that arby has an alcohol problem. 2 days later he told me he loves me but he cant believe he cheated on me and we broke up. he stood at my sliding glass door and cried and told me that i was absolutely beautiful and i deserved better and much more. he shut the door behind him and left. i didn't hear from him for 3 days. the day he called me he came over and we talked. well he talked....i cried.

i am sure this saga will unfold much more.....

on the way home from the bar!


TOTALLY SOBER!

september 15th......cj's birthday

and a changing body....

that same belly..... it just keeps getting bigger.

notice a new haircut,,,,,

wow....look at that belly on me! this night we went to martini ranch...

man, do i go thru hairstyles.

then, august 15th Inseeyah came out to visit! its so fun having your best friend back!!!!!! AND HI, could we be any more night and day? XO

happy B day BEN!

awww.... look at the happy couple.
This was in august. I think like the first weekend. it was bens birthday and like 50 of us rented this huge party bus that let you have a bar on it and it was RAD! that was the first time i had gone to axis radius.....fun night. i ended up having to take arby home in a cab cause he go so sloshed he couldnt stand..... that cab driver hated us. needless to say he got a large tip!

are you sleepy? WELL WAKE UP! we are about to get on the party bus....and party for ben's birthday!!!

after getting home from the trip, we were all so tired!!!

this is chris and us at hooters. no, he is not mad.....he always looks like that! maybe cause he was DRUNK the WHOLE week!!!!!! how can that be any fun?

this dolphin, really really scared me. when you bend over to give them the fish, THEY DONT WAIT! he was really hungry. guess he missed lunch!

i think we may have gone to sea world just for arby to drink beer!

this is mike...... that is about all i can say about him.....hahahahaaaaa
and ONLY HE knows why!

a tad late.....

i realize these photo's are way late but here are some shot's from out trip to SD for fourth of july.

this is chad....
we (well actually just chad) drank the whole way down there.....

here i am, refocused.

do you ever have these weird feelings that you just try to ignore? i rarely do, but today trying to ignore things really bit me in the ass.

oh well, i guess none of this bullshit really matters in the long run....

i cant figure it out....

am i depressed or just having a pity party for myself?